Putin Arrested at WBEZ Broadcasting Center

By Chris Helms

imagesThis week, the Russian PM at the center of the Crimean Crisis, was arrested in Chicago, IL.

He was scheduled to appear on the popular radio syndicate “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me!”, hosted by Peter Sagal.

In an effort to increase listenership, and improve ratings, “Wait Wait” has been diversifying their guests. With the advent of T.V. Internet, Civil Rights, and Fun, the number of people tuning in their radios on the reg has decreased.

Putin, the Prime Minister of Russia, Soul Singer, and Elvis Impersonator, is so Russian he sweats borsch. Not to be confused with Poutine, the Canadian dish, Putin has a stupefying mythology surrounding his life. The magnitude of his sketchy-ness, a KGB past, an unexplained throne of skulls, and his Knitting Skills have all contributed to an aura of charming mystique about him.

This animal-lover and environmentalist recently sparked international outrage after telling Ukraine to, “Go Crimea River.” Shortly after, White House secretaries confirm, he called “…his brother from another mother, Barack”, and announced that “East siiide is de best!” (In his best Ali-G voice) then proceeded to explain, very delicately, as is his way, that the G-8 summit is “pretty gay”, and therefore banned in his country.

He put down the phone, but neglected to put it on the receiver. Jay Carney reported overhearing a belligerent Putin berating a peasant. ПАСШЕМУ НЕТУ МОЕЙ ПОРТРЕТЕ  В ETOM  ШАЛАШЕ?!, ДАЖЕ ЛЕНИН ИМЕЛ МАЮ ПОРТРЕТ В ШАЛАШЕ!!”* This was followed by what is being described by RT as a ‘hunting accident/conspiracy’.

All this unpleasantness comes only a few months after a personal PR overhaul that included freeing “Pussy Riot”, and hosting the Olympics. Himself. Personally.

Putin is just one member of an odd series of guests “Wait Wait” is bringing on to generate hype. Recent guests include Amy Schumer, a comedian best known for her sketch comedy show “Inside Amy Schumer” and Terry Crews, famous for his roles in, “White Chicks” and “Old Spice” commercials. These guests are in sharp contrast to their usual line up which has included NASA Engineers, English Ambassadors, and the White House Chef.

*Translation: WHY DON’T YOU HAVE MY PORTRAIT IN YOUR HUT?! EVEN LENIN HAD MY PORTRAIT IN HIS HUT!!

 

*article written as part of THE SHALLOT, a satirical   take on local and world events.

Movie Review: Haunted House 2

By Peter Leonardo

Haunted House 2In this film, the main character is Malcolm Who, played by Marlon Wayans. The first film saw Wayans’ exorcising the demons of his ex-girlfriend, and in this movie, he starts out fresh with his new girlfriend and her two children. After moving into their dream home, Malcolm is once again plagued by bizarre paranormal events.

I give this movie 4/5 stars.  It was HILARIOUS and had the right punch lines, the right jokes and two of my favorite comedians, Marlon Wayans and Gabriel Iglesias. If you’re a fan of Marlon Wayans And Gabriel Iglesias’s humor and comedy, you should definitely see this movie.

In it’s opening weekend, Haunted House 2 didn’t make nearly as much as its original did, but it still was in the ‘top 5’.

End the Corruption of Cartoon Network!!!

By Max Cruz

IMG_1125Let’s face it- when you were younger you probably loved Cartoon Network, and for good reason, too. There were shows like Billy and Mandy, Dexter’s Laboratory, Johnny Bravo, Ed Edd and Eddy, My Gym Partner is a Monkey, Camp Lazlo, the list goes on and on. That was the ‘Golden Age’ of the network.

What is it now?! Not much.

The shows were once good-humored, good- spirited and enjoyable for kids- or anyone for that matter. But now, it’s a cesspool of scum– curses, drug references and unfunny attempts at jokes litter the programs.

What they show now isn’t okay for kids AT ALL!  Adventure Time?  An overrated acid trip. The Amazing World of Gumball? Another trip. Johnny Test? Not funny anymore (everyone agrees that it shouldn’t be airing at all). Steven Universe? Garbage. Uncle Grandpa? A ruined idea. Regular Show? Just see the original pilot, “2 in the A.M. P.M”, to get the idea. Beware the Batman? An insult to Batman. The new Ben 10 shows? The creator is a jerk who cyber-bullied/stalked me, but that’s another story for another day.

Teen Titans Go!? Read Jared’s article, here. In other words, Cartoon Network is dead.  But if enough people end the corruption, we could get the good times back.

If there’s enough support from fans, they might ignore Underfist and revive The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy,  which would continue the hilarious and overall fun adventures of Grim, Billy and Mandy. Samurai Jack also never ended, meaning the main character could further his quest to kill Aku and return home, (UPDATE:  They’re working on making that a movie). If enough people want it, then the original, and much loved, Teen Titans could be revived. Sure, we can’t get back shows that had a real ending such as Kids Next Door, Ed Edd and Eddy, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Camp Lazlo, Chowder, Flapjack or Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, but that’s okay.

Look, I get it. Everyone wants the next generation to have the same experience as theirs, but children shouldn’t be condemned to the in-poor-taste-programs that Cartoon Network currently airs. If enough people say enough and say it loudly, maybe we can get the head of Cartoon Network to step down and then enlist someone who will do the right thing.

If we don’t get our old shows back, perhaps new, better ones could be created. Here’s a tip for Cartoon Network: Either broadcast cartoons that are engaging and appropriate for kids of all ages, or get lost.

Class Profile: AP Environmental Science

Most of the AP Environmental Science class on a field trip to a sewage treatment plant.

Most of the AP Environmental Science class on a field trip to a sewage treatment plant.

By Jonah Wolmark

This year, Tobias Hatten has had the honour of teaching the first AP class to ever be offered at the Village School, and he’s done an amazing job at it so far. The AP Environmental Science class is an extremely difficult, yet extremely fun and interesting 2-semester course on anything anyone could want to know about the environment, and some more! Recently, I was given the opportunity to interview Toby about the class and his thoughts on it.

Jonah: What gave you the idea to teach AP Environmental Science?

Toby: The students. They needed a challenge. They needed to have a taste of college classes.

J: Why Environmental Science instead of any other AP?

T: It allows students to see the impact we can have in a negative and positive way to sustain the future.

J: What was the reaction from the rest of the staff when they heard that you are teaching an AP course?

T: Curiosity. (After asked to elaborate, Toby kindly declined.)

J: How difficult was it for you to prepare to teach the class?

T: Difficult. It took a lot of summer time. I’d say it was about 10 hours a week.

J: What topics have been covered in the class so far?

T: Ecology, water resources and pollution, economics, geologic hazards.

J: What has been your favourite topic to teach in the class?

T: I liked energy. I like to see the environmental impact that all our small actions make and I love to quantify it.

J: Do you think the students are well prepared to take the AP exam?

T: Yeah. I’m not too worried about that.

J: Do you have plans to teach any other AP courses in the future?

T: I think I’d need to discuss it with the faculty, but yeah.

The Captain’s Final Season

By Eric Bernstein

Derek Jeter, The Captain.

Derek Jeter, The Captain.

Derek Jeter, all-star shortstop for the New York Yankees, has announced his retirement at the end of the 2014 season. Being that it’s Derek’s last year, Yankees fans are expecting big things from The Captain.

With the loss of Robinson Cano still in the minds of the fans, they are expecting some rookies to step up and so far, they have. Yangervis Solarte (Yankees rookie 3rd baseman) has stepped up big time these first few games, and being a 28 year- old rookie, this much was definitely not expected of him. But, it seems being in the minors for so long really helped him prepare for this level of competition.

Masahiro Tanaka (rookie starting pitcher for the Yankees) is already feeling at home having won his first game of the 2014 season against the Toronto Blue Jays. Big things are expected of the Yankees this year, and all are looking to The Captain to make it happen.

In his press conference the day he announced his retirement, Derek Jeter remarked, “The great thing about being a Yankee is that you’re always a Yankee.”

And that’s exactly how he will always be remembered.

Mickey Rooney, Legend of Hollywood, Dies at 93

By Elliot Esterman

Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland were frequent collaborators

Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland were frequent collaborators

Mickey Rooney, 93, died of natural causes on April 6th, 2014. He was a legendary actor who was most popular in films in the 1930’s and 1940’s.   Even though his most popular movies were from the 30s and 40s, he was still making movies well into the 2000s, such as Night at the Museum (2006) The Muppets (2011).

Mickey Rooney was well recognized and revered in the world of film and won multiple awards– Golden Globes, Academy Awards, and other film academy awards. Mickey Rooney was a controversial figure in terms of the number of marriages he had.  He was married 8 times and when he died, though he and his last wife had been divorced for two years, she was still beside him at his death bed.

His most famous roles were “The Human Comedy” (1943) for which he received his second oscar nomination and, “The Black Stallion” (1979), for which he earned his fourth oscar nomination.

Village School Eats Pancakes and Knocks Down Pins

By Jon Roshan

Students feasting at iHop

Students feasting at iHop

The bowling trip at Village School has been a tradition for a long time, and in some cases going on for longer than some of the teachers have been working here. Starting 24 years ago, it is a long standing custom for our school. On March 21, 2014, we walked off the school bus in Massapequa with smiles on our faces, ready to devour breakfast at iHop.

This iHop seemed to look like any other and as we walked in, despite being such a large group, we were immediately seated. We chose where to sit and who to sit with,  so everyone had their own group, which eventually led to the groups that would form at the bowling alley.

Many students ordered the go-to pancake or waffle specials, but others ordered items such chicken dinners, French toast or omelettes. Other guests at iHop that morning were confused about why students, who would typically be in school, were in iHop instead, so several students explained how our school has field trips rather than traditional gym classes.

And, with our stomachs full and the bills paid, we began our walk to the bowling alley.

Bowling at Massapequa Bowl

Bowling at Massapequa Bowl

The walk was approximately 1.8 miles, and although the walk seemed far, we found ways to make the walk as entertaining as possible. Some students sang songs such as Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, while others, such as Toby, the science teacher,  were content to observe the nature around us.

As soon as we arrived at the bowling alley, we were greeted by the kind staff, grabbed our pairs of appropriately- sized bowling shoes, gathered our groups got to it! The atmosphere was great and the bowling alley itself had many features that made the games fun and simple.

Some of the features that the bowling alley had consisted of assist bars for those with a bit less bowling experience, interesting animations on the monitors, and a really simple interface on the moniors where names and settings were entered. The bowling alley also had vending machines and arcade machines that the students used.

All of these things contributed to a wonderful bowling experience and I can definitely tell that my fellows students enjoyed the bowling alley as much as I did, and I certainly hope this tradition continues for years to come.

Student Profile: Ezra Hyman

Interview by Peter Leonardo

Recently, I was able to sit down and talk to Ezra, a senior at Village, about his future plans for college as well as other random topics!

IMG_0018-1

Ezra, just sitting around…

I was accepted into Vassar College in Poughkeepsie in NY, SUNY Geneseo, and Binghamton University, also in NY.  I would like to major in Word History and Philosophy at Vassar Collage.

What do you want your career to be?

I don’t know for sure what I want to do yet, but I’m thinking about being a professor at a college or an author.

What does Village School mean to you?

It’s a great school for kids who need to learn differently and need extra help.

Are you excited to leave or sad to go?

I know Village was a good trip for me, but I don’t know what college is going to be for me. I know college is going to have a lot more freedom, but less supervision; I know I’m going to be able to make mistakes and I’m going to have to figure out how to get through them.

What are some of your hobbies and passions?

I don’t do much outside of school, and I know my social skills are lacking outside of school, so I greatly enjoy my video games… my hobbies are basically school, video games, and eating and sleeping.

Whats the craziest thing you have done in your life so far?

I met a girl online that lives in Connecticut and I actually got my family to go there on a trip just to meet her… I kept it PG-13!

What kind of music do you like?

Post Grunge and Rock — I listen to Three Days Grace, Rise Against, Breaking Benjamin, and Billy Joel and I like some songs from Five Finger Death Punch but they’re a little too heavy for me.

Have you ever been to a concert? If so, who did you see?

I’ve seen a couple American Idols live….Against my will!! (he laughs). But for my birthday, I saw Nickleback.

Where do you go to lunch during the school week?

I bring lunch from home and usually do my work during lunch.

If you could have any super power, what would it be?

Telekinesis (a type of paranormal ability that allows you move objects with your mind),  so I can use my mind as a physical force.

A Breath of Fresh Air: The True Cost

By Jared Gomberg

Chinese citizens as they line up for fresh air.

Chinese citizens as they line up for fresh air.

Now, we all know that the air quality in China is much less than desirable, but I’m not sure anyone expected this. China’s desperation for clean air was made apparent as large numbers of Chinese residents of Zhengzhou, the capital of the Henan province in China, lined up to get a dose of fresh mountain air– via sealed bags.

The heart-tugging photos of this event show not only how dirty China’s air is, but how much the people of China hate it. Photos depict Chinese people huffing in this fresh air as if it’s from Mount Olympus. Some photos show Chinese parents fixing their children’s Oxygen masks, letting their kids enjoy the rare fresh mountain air.

In China, about 500,000 people die from air pollution per year. That number is high and growing. China is becoming more industrial, and the middle class is growing. The Asian Brown Cloud is an enormous, thick brown cloud of sulfur, ozone, and several other pollutants that covers parts of China, India, Pakistan and several other South Asian countries.  This cloud of heavy smog also pollutes the rest of the world, including America, because it is blown by jet streams and winds to other parts of the world.

Not only do Chinese people need this fresh mountain air, but if the world was less polluted, even our sky in the United States would look different. Yes, even the sky here is a bit off color, which we don’t realize because we’re used to it looking as it does. Our air would feel much more fresh to breathe. Our planet would be clean.

Shrek is Love. Shrek is Life.

By Max Cruz

Shrek, leader of a new religion sweeping the nation.

Shrek, leader of a new religion sweeping the nation.

A new religion is sweeping the nation. It has been said that once a layperson is exposed to the religion and reads the lore associated with it, she will never be the same.

She will come to love and accept her new lord and savior with open arms.And the religion has a very unexpected and unlikely God: Shrek.

People now faithfully worship Shrek as their lord and savior. And it doesn’t stop there. Followers created their own myths relating to encounters with Shrek and have written their own Bible. But their version of Shrek isn’t the beloved, kind-hearted and heroic ogre we all know and love. Their Shrek is a monster. This other Shrek tortures and/or traumatizes anyone he encounters!

Followers have their own version of ‘Amen’ too: “Shrek is love. Shrek is life.” When something goes wrong, followers will often say “You should have checked yourself before you Shreked yourself.” They summon Shrek himself in times of trouble to either “baptize” or punish the non-believers. The two Shreks however should never be confused, so don’t be traumatized the next time you see the cartoon Shrek.

Because, all in all, Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

THE SHALLOT