The Fidget Felonies

These three-pronged plastic playthings have become murder weapons

These three-pronged plastic playthings are the newest fad of the country.

Fidget spinners have, without a doubt, boomed with the general population in the past few weeks. They were originally made as a fidget tool for ADD and ADHD patients to have something for their hands to do so they could focus on other work. But as they met the general population, they have evolved into a toy, becoming the foreground focus instead of the background tool. Schools all over the country have banned these spinners because they were becoming a distraction. But that isn’t the real reason they’re being banned everywhere. The spinners have become more than just a fidget tool or a toy. They have become murder weapons.

In Detroit, Michigan, there have been a reported 26 deaths directly linked to fidget spinners, at least 14 of which were confirmed to be murders. But how does one take such an innocent toy and turn it into a murder weapon? Well, it turns out, it doesn’t take much at all. Specimens found at crime sites have had box cutters attached to them, covered in blood. The way the spinner works makes it really easy to just spin it and throw it like a martial arts shuriken at whoever the victims may have been.

However, the wound alone wouldn’t be enough to kill a person. It would take a direct shot between the ribs and into the heart to kill someone immediately, which is extremely unlikely. Even a very deep wound isn’t fatal if treated quickly enough, and in the correct way. So how did these people die?

One of the 14 deaths was linked to tetanus, due to the lack of vaccination. But what about the others? There are many other bacterial infections that people aren’t vaccinated for. Most of them can be treated with an antibiotic, but the extremely unsanitary conditions at the Detroit Medical Center could have made these antibiotics useless. Although the existing infections get treated, unsterile needles and other equipment cause new infections. These new infections are mistaken for the original ones, so other stronger antibiotics are then used. The original infection has already been cured by now, and the strong antibiotic instead starts targeting helpful bacteria, while the new infection continues growing. The other thirteen deaths were all either linked to other bacterial infections, or the lack of certain probiotics necessary to survival.

Due to these murders, fidget spinners have been officially banned in the states of Michigan, Louisiana, Missouri, Maryland, and Tennessee, as well as the cities of Milwaukee, Wisconsin; Oakland, California; Cleveland, Ohio; and in Washington D.C. Those who simply own spinners will be sentenced to a fine of $150 per spinner owned, and those who commit crimes with them will be sentenced to at least three years in prison.

The fidget spinner has gone from a simple fidget tool to a distracting toy to a murder weapon. We give our odes to the victims, whose names have not yet been disclosed, while authorities keep hunting for possible culprits.

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