The Fidget Felonies

These three-pronged plastic playthings have become murder weapons

These three-pronged plastic playthings are the newest fad of the country.

Fidget spinners have, without a doubt, boomed with the general population in the past few weeks. They were originally made as a fidget tool for ADD and ADHD patients to have something for their hands to do so they could focus on other work. But as they met the general population, they have evolved into a toy, becoming the foreground focus instead of the background tool. Schools all over the country have banned these spinners because they were becoming a distraction. But that isn’t the real reason they’re being banned everywhere. The spinners have become more than just a fidget tool or a toy. They have become murder weapons.

In Detroit, Michigan, there have been a reported 26 deaths directly linked to fidget spinners, at least 14 of which were confirmed to be murders. But how does one take such an innocent toy and turn it into a murder weapon? Well, it turns out, it doesn’t take much at all. Specimens found at crime sites have had box cutters attached to them, covered in blood. The way the spinner works makes it really easy to just spin it and throw it like a martial arts shuriken at whoever the victims may have been.

However, the wound alone wouldn’t be enough to kill a person. It would take a direct shot between the ribs and into the heart to kill someone immediately, which is extremely unlikely. Even a very deep wound isn’t fatal if treated quickly enough, and in the correct way. So how did these people die?

One of the 14 deaths was linked to tetanus, due to the lack of vaccination. But what about the others? There are many other bacterial infections that people aren’t vaccinated for. Most of them can be treated with an antibiotic, but the extremely unsanitary conditions at the Detroit Medical Center could have made these antibiotics useless. Although the existing infections get treated, unsterile needles and other equipment cause new infections. These new infections are mistaken for the original ones, so other stronger antibiotics are then used. The original infection has already been cured by now, and the strong antibiotic instead starts targeting helpful bacteria, while the new infection continues growing. The other thirteen deaths were all either linked to other bacterial infections, or the lack of certain probiotics necessary to survival.

Due to these murders, fidget spinners have been officially banned in the states of Michigan, Louisiana, Missouri, Maryland, and Tennessee, as well as the cities of Milwaukee, Wisconsin; Oakland, California; Cleveland, Ohio; and in Washington D.C. Those who simply own spinners will be sentenced to a fine of $150 per spinner owned, and those who commit crimes with them will be sentenced to at least three years in prison.

The fidget spinner has gone from a simple fidget tool to a distracting toy to a murder weapon. We give our odes to the victims, whose names have not yet been disclosed, while authorities keep hunting for possible culprits.

Trump’s Dual Roles Collide with Presidency

Donald J. Trump, the recently sworn in president of the United States of America, has gone against the constitution and he does not care, and as it seems neither do the American people. Trump has been taking money directly from foreign world leaders in return for access to do business in the USA.

Mr. Trump’s multinational corporation has been making deals in foreign countries with people in the government. This is in direct violation of the constitution which states that the president is not allowed to accept anything from foreign leaders. This has raised the question of whether or not what he is doing is really unconstitutional, seeing as most of the deals that have recently gone through were in their beginning stages before Trump became president. However, Trump has not only made deals with these people, but he has also accepted a multitude of gifts, and this has made many people believe that these were in return for total control over the US economy. There have already been reports of foreign leaders buying land in the US in order to start the construction of “Super Hedge Fund” sites. Basically, they built factories on the land and start producing goods. From there they will build towns and shops that only sell goods made in these factories. You may ask, wouldn’t that be a monopoly? It is, however; with Trump’s executive order, he has made it legal for anyone that is a business partner of his to create such monopolies.

Trump, plotting against America

Trump, Plotting against America

This wouldn’t be all bad if it was from allied countries, but so far Trump has only signed with countries that we currently have conflict with. This leads many to believe that he, is in fact, a Russian spy sent to take over the US and make it into Putin’s own personal sandbox. Reports found from American Intelligence Officers, or AIO, have shown that Trump does have major ties to Russia. This has led to many believing that his wife, Melania, was sent by the Russian government to keep an eye on Trump and make sure that everything he is doing is up to par with what the Russians are asking of him.

There is no real way to tell  if these claims are true yet, but speculation has led to the belief that they are and that the American people are now being led by Russia and other foreign powers. Trump’s paranoia has led him to make some very large claims against the Obama administration. He is claiming that they wire tapped his phones and bugged his house. People are starting to question Trump’s legitimacy and many people have stated that claims as serious as these can be grounds for impeachment if they turn out to not be true.

So we now have a president who is possibly a Russian spy, making deals with our enemies, who goes directly against the constitution, and is so paranoid that he just made a claim against former president Barack Obama that could lead to his own impeachment. All this being said most of it is not true and was written to try and fool you by making crazy outlandish claims.  

Pulling out the Trump Card

President Trump shows off his executive order, signed.

President Trump had already written his first executive order before Inauguration Day, ready to be signed as soon as he was sworn in. This is no surprise, though, as Trump was eager to start making America great again as soon as possible. The real surprise was what was written in this executive order. It ordered that all anime must be stripped from store shelves, removed from TV channels, taken down off the internet, and confiscated from all citizens, and that it should be enacted immediately.

The Trump Administration was very quick to enforce it, too. The next day, police officers were going door to door all over the country confiscating any DVDs containing anime, and jailing anyone who refused to give up their prized discs. The amount of jail time earned is not yet decided, but a representative of the Trump Administration said that it could be anywhere between two and five months. A reported 1,337 people were jailed within the first week of the order being enacted.

“I woke up at five in the morning to a loud banging on my door,” says anime enthusiast Jamison Randall. “By the time I got up, officers had busted down the door and were all over my house searching for anime DVDs, and I was held at gunpoint to open my safe. When I opened it, they searched through it, and left everything exactly where it was except for my anime.” Randall also claims that after the anime was confiscated, the officers left his house casually, like nothing ever happened.

Examples like this sparked controversy among citizens, mostly about the harshness of the confiscation. One supporter of the ban even said, “The ban was a good idea, but the way cops are taking anime from homes is over the top.”

The debate about whether or not the ban was a good decision is causing fights all over the country. An estimated 4,200 people have been hospitalized in the past week due to injuries caused by fist fights over this executive order.

It is estimated that about 69% of US citizens agree with Trump’s decision to ban anime. Those who disagree are going to extreme measures to hide their precious anime, doing so much as to hide it in their ceilings. President Trump called for another search to happen this weekend, as he is suspicious of people hiding anime.

Opposers are hoping that the all the protest and violence that happened over the past few weeks because of the order will encourage Trump to revoke the order. Whether or not he will do so is completely unpredictable.

Feel the Bern

Bernie Sanders has promised his supporters tons of free things, which our country should be excited for. This man has promised us the world: free college, free money, free everything! At first, I didn’t think he even knew what the word “free” meant. I thought the man was a complete fool until I heard an interview FOX News conducted, in hopes to stump him regarding where he’d get all the money for the “free life” he plans to give Americans, should he become President. But, when he was asked about his economic policies, he responded with unbelievably incredible answers.

The Future $100 BillAs it turns out, Bernie Sanders is an economic genius! He has revolutionary ideas about ways to fund his plans. His first response was amazing. “Well, the first way that we can get money is obvious, we can just print hundreds of times more dollars than we do now. This has caused inflation in other countries in the past, but we have a foolproof way of preventing an economic meltdown.” I was surprised. Then, his next idea was the most intelligent thing I’d heard from any of the 2016 presidential candidates, the most outstanding improvement to our economy ever proposed, “The foolproof way to do this is to use less paper. If we use less paper, we’ll still be printing the same amount of paper, just more money. We can use thinner paper, smaller bills, who wants to have those big, hard-to-fit bills in their wallet anyway?” Revolutionary. Feel the Bern.

It is clear that a revolution is looming on the horizon. Bernie Sanders is the modern George Washingtonson. His genius is unrivaled, his economic and social ideas unparalleled. Unemployment will no longer be a bad thing, because jobs won’t be necessary to make money and live healthily. Motivation will no longer be required. The poor will no longer be poor. The rich will no longer have salaries thousands of times higher than that of the middle class. Bernie Sanders will turn America into the most amazing and prosperous place in the universe. There will be no more war, no more suffering. Poverty will be eliminated along with homelessness.


Exclusive: iPhone 7 Preview

Rumor has the word for the new iPhone 7. Yes, it’s going to happen.

Insider report this phone will be another inch bigger, so it will be a perfect fit for users with big fingers. And, for clumsy people, like most of us are sometimes, the phone will now be water proof, soimage no more complaints about a water damaged phone. One new feature on the phone will be a weight app, where the user can connect your phone to a new product, the iBelt.  The iBelt can be put around your stomach and gives you the power to control the sensitivity of the vibration that helps you lose weight and get the body you want.

Another app to be installed on the iPhone 7 is the air conditioning app, “Air Time”.  So, if you ever get hot during the summer, you can lift the bottom of the phone toward your face where a decent amount of cool air will rush out. No more sweaty selfies!

With a bigger phone, obviously there is going to be more space, reported to be about 500GB, which is nearly 4 times more than the iPhone 6 and 6 plus. Really, there’s no reason why Apple can’t make the storages bigger, they just restrict on us just so you would buy more storage which is more money for them.

But, the newest feature, the iBreathe, allows the user to  blow onto the mic and it will tell read your BAC level, to tell you if you’re intoxicated or not, so be careful, because those will be recorded.

Teachers will look to get the new phone as they can use the laser pointer features and connect to smart boards and TVs instantly. And if you’re an average trouble-making teen, you can turn on the iGone app and it makes phone invisible/transparent so your parents can’t take it away at the dinner table, or you can take a picture of that cute girl you saw in the park without anyone knowing!

Overall, this phone can do many new things that everyone will enjoy. It’s a phone of the future and it’s coming next year, so have fun waiting.

Vladimir Putin’s Horrible Vacation

Vladimir Putin has finally returned after his mysterious disappearance. When asked where he was, he told us about his terrible vacation.

Because of the tension between Israel and America over Obama’s negotiation with Iran, Vladimir Putin invited Barack Obama and Benjamin Netanyahu to spend a few days with him at his personal water park and mansion outside of Moscow.

Putin and China’s President

After consulting with advisors, Obama and Netanyahu cancelled plans at the last minute.  Unfortunately, their messages were not delivered to Putin or his advisors in time and reports state that Putin waited at the park for hours.  In a phone interview, Putin explained what a horrible time he had at the water park. Not wanting to be alone, he invited Xi Jinping, the President of China, to accompany him. To add to Putin’s luck, President Jinping turned out to be a not-so-fantastic guest. Putin stated that Jinping was afraid to go on most of the rides, chews with his mouth open, snores so loud Putin could hear him from three rooms over, and worst of all, Putin reported, he is quite the talker.

Putin said he’s glad to be back to ruling the country, because if he’d stayed with Jinping any longer he probably would have started a thermonuclear war with China.

How To: Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

Candid photo of me, on a casual Thusday.

Last Thursday, I paid a visit to an archery range to train for the inevitable, impending, and obvious zombie apocalypse. Not that the bow and arrow is my particular weapon of choice, but accuracy, strength, and concentration are all skills that can be useful. Archery actually turned out more complex than I had anticipated. I walked in there thinking that I was the next Katniss Everdeen; casually overthrowing the government, and saving all twelve districts. You know, just like any other Thursday.

Yeah, no.

The average traditional bow comes in at 2 lbs., a typical crossbow at 7 to 8 lbs., and the average compound bow at about 4.5. Keep in mind, you have to hold this out, with a straight arm for an hour-long session, three shots at a time toward a target board. Once everyone has collected their stray arrows and returned to the spot between the designated line, they may shoot again.

According to zombie lore, the only method to kill an undead zombie is to destroy the brain or simply decapitate the ungodly being. That being said, it’s not very efficient to kill a zombie with arrows. My suggested method would be to round them up in an abandoned warehouse dosed in flammable liquids: gasoline, nail polish remover, even oranges… Then set off an alarm, and once they’ve swarmed the warehouse, send a single flaming arrow in the center of it all. But what do I know?

As for hunting purposes, a bow and arrow are probably your best bet. You could shoot from a distance and it doesn’t have the loud gunshot of…. Well, a gun.


Putin Arrested at WBEZ Broadcasting Center

By Chris Helms

imagesThis week, the Russian PM at the center of the Crimean Crisis, was arrested in Chicago, IL.

He was scheduled to appear on the popular radio syndicate “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me!”, hosted by Peter Sagal.

In an effort to increase listenership, and improve ratings, “Wait Wait” has been diversifying their guests. With the advent of T.V. Internet, Civil Rights, and Fun, the number of people tuning in their radios on the reg has decreased.

Putin, the Prime Minister of Russia, Soul Singer, and Elvis Impersonator, is so Russian he sweats borsch. Not to be confused with Poutine, the Canadian dish, Putin has a stupefying mythology surrounding his life. The magnitude of his sketchy-ness, a KGB past, an unexplained throne of skulls, and his Knitting Skills have all contributed to an aura of charming mystique about him.

This animal-lover and environmentalist recently sparked international outrage after telling Ukraine to, “Go Crimea River.” Shortly after, White House secretaries confirm, he called “…his brother from another mother, Barack”, and announced that “East siiide is de best!” (In his best Ali-G voice) then proceeded to explain, very delicately, as is his way, that the G-8 summit is “pretty gay”, and therefore banned in his country.

He put down the phone, but neglected to put it on the receiver. Jay Carney reported overhearing a belligerent Putin berating a peasant. ПАСШЕМУ НЕТУ МОЕЙ ПОРТРЕТЕ  В ETOM  ШАЛАШЕ?!, ДАЖЕ ЛЕНИН ИМЕЛ МАЮ ПОРТРЕТ В ШАЛАШЕ!!”* This was followed by what is being described by RT as a ‘hunting accident/conspiracy’.

All this unpleasantness comes only a few months after a personal PR overhaul that included freeing “Pussy Riot”, and hosting the Olympics. Himself. Personally.

Putin is just one member of an odd series of guests “Wait Wait” is bringing on to generate hype. Recent guests include Amy Schumer, a comedian best known for her sketch comedy show “Inside Amy Schumer” and Terry Crews, famous for his roles in, “White Chicks” and “Old Spice” commercials. These guests are in sharp contrast to their usual line up which has included NASA Engineers, English Ambassadors, and the White House Chef.



*article written as part of THE SHALLOT, a satirical   take on local and world events.

Shrek is Love. Shrek is Life.

By Max Cruz

Shrek, leader of a new religion sweeping the nation.

Shrek, leader of a new religion sweeping the nation.

A new religion is sweeping the nation. It has been said that once a layperson is exposed to the religion and reads the lore associated with it, she will never be the same.

She will come to love and accept her new lord and savior with open arms.And the religion has a very unexpected and unlikely God: Shrek.

People now faithfully worship Shrek as their lord and savior. And it doesn’t stop there. Followers created their own myths relating to encounters with Shrek and have written their own Bible. But their version of Shrek isn’t the beloved, kind-hearted and heroic ogre we all know and love. Their Shrek is a monster. This other Shrek tortures and/or traumatizes anyone he encounters!

Followers have their own version of ‘Amen’ too: “Shrek is love. Shrek is life.” When something goes wrong, followers will often say “You should have checked yourself before you Shreked yourself.” They summon Shrek himself in times of trouble to either “baptize” or punish the non-believers. The two Shreks however should never be confused, so don’t be traumatized the next time you see the cartoon Shrek.

Because, all in all, Shrek is love. Shrek is life.


Breaking News!!!! New Species Discovered!!!

shark-horseBy Buk Lau

Discovered by unsuspecting campers, roaming deep in the Bornian Rainforest, the animal was seen with its pants down. Embarrassed, it ran away and was not seen again for 11 days 6 hours 42 minutes and 13.5 seconds. Originally thinking it was a unicorn, the campers couldn’t believe what they saw. When authorities arrived on the scene, the campers were found dead 43.3333333 millimeters from their camp site.

During the call to the authorities, the animal was discribed as a mix of a horse and a shark. In the pocket of one of the camper’s a cellular phone was recovered, on which a photo of this animal had been taken. Using this photo, we were able to track down this incredible species and its entire flock! The newly discovered animal has been named the Horse Shark. The head of the flock, the flurgle, agreed to an exclusive interview with only our news team!!

Buk Lau: How long has your species has been around?

Flurgle: Yes

Buk Lau: Where have you been all these years?

Flurgle: Tuesday

Buk Lau: What other animals can you communicate with?

Flurgle: Tuna… salad sandwiches…and the aliens that are invading on Friday.

Buk Lau: Well, then. Thank you for your time.

Flurgle: No problem… But, now I have some roasted chicken to attend to.

After the interview, the Flurgle mingled with our crew and had his way with the Kraft food services table. He hasn’t been seen since.


by Eric Bernstein