Breakfast Foods: More Dangerous Than Anyone Ever Thought

By Jonah Wolmark


This is not a banana.

Some people say that all bagels are safe. Well, they are sadly mistaken! Bagel actually stands for Benign Armadillos Group Everywhere in London, which has no relevance to anything at all. Wait, what was that? I think I heard a fnord! This is bad, really bad. Maybe if I kill two stones with one bird… [incoherent mumbling] No, not incoherent, just too purple. WAY TOO PURPLE! AAAAAUGH GET IT OFF! I’m better. Where was I, now? Ah, yes, that’s right. I was eating all of these sandwiches. Want some? Here, just download them. Just make sure to not get crumbs into your disk drive. Hey, why did the chicken cross the road? Yep! No, that’s not how that went… Ah, music to my elbow! Can you hear it? Me neither. Asdhfhkjlasdfjklsarfgihlsdjkfsfhjf. You wipe that smile off your shirt! It’ll stain. Hub cap hub cap hub cap. I hope there’s lots of spaghetti! No, not spaghetti. More like spaghetti. You must open your heart and mind to accept the squirrel. Or reject it. Or eat it. Mmmmm, fried doorknob. Especially with a side of spice, and rice, and mice, and lice, and nice, and slice, and vice, and pistachios. Pistachios? I was a pistachio once. I died there. That was a fun day. Now, collect up your banana peels, ‘cause we’re going on an adventure! To the mystical lands of over there! In that corner. Not sure why. I like that corner. It’s got weird cylindrical things. And then the horse exploded. But wait, there’s more!


PSA from the NSA

IMG_0006Interview conducted by Lorie Hackman with Dolores Jean Louise Whitflick

Transcribed by Dillie Holliday

Lorie Hackman: This morning on The Soapbox, we have invited Ms. Dolores Whitflick from the NSA’s security detail to answer some questions about current rumors regarding the agency’s recent action.

Dolores J. L. Whitflick: Well, Mrs. Hackman, there have been talk about the NSA’s “backdoor” into the Apple company and its various device services.

Lorie Hackman: We have a Twitter question for you here regarding exactly that, Ms. Whitflick.  @JohnTalahasseehey asks, “Could the NSA utilize Apple’s security flaws and conduct surveillance on the targets?”

Dolores J. L. Whitflick: On behalf of the agency, I would like to assure and allay the fears of the American people.  The individuals that we choose to investigate, besides cursory checks, are questionable people we need to look into for the safety of all.  I think–

Lorie Hackman: Another question coming in right now…This one is from @CalpurniaJamesonIII who is asking, “Why don’t she answer the question straight ??”

Dolores J. L. Whitflick:  What I’m trying to say is that all this speculation is purely hypothetical and, quite frankly, a little far-fetched, if I may say so myself.  The plan and execution regarding the coding and observation through devices and the like cannot be shared publicly, if you would know.

Lorie Hackman:  Our listeners are just concerned about what the NSA is doing and the reaches of its speculation.

Dolores J. L. Whitflick:  The NSA’s inner workings have never been questioned until recent “leakings” and whatnot.  People’s trust is in our hands, and we know how important it is that we honor this trust.

Lorie Hackman:  One more for you then, Ms. Whitflick…@wreckinggallbladder commented, “She is beating around the bush!”  What is your response?

** the interview ended prematurely**

Lorie Hackman

Senior Soapbox Consultant

Lorie Hackman has written for several notable papers, including The Beets, The Mandrakes, and The Lettuceheads.  Her time at The Soapbox has given her much popularity, which is attributed to her sly way of asking assertive questions in a polite manner.  She has her sights set on the position of Executive Suds, and she will work tirelessly to earn that title.

THE  SHALLOT by    Jackie Hong