By Chris Helms
He was scheduled to appear on the popular radio syndicate “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me!”, hosted by Peter Sagal.
In an effort to increase listenership, and improve ratings, “Wait Wait” has been diversifying their guests. With the advent of T.V. Internet, Civil Rights, and Fun, the number of people tuning in their radios on the reg has decreased.
Putin, the Prime Minister of Russia, Soul Singer, and Elvis Impersonator, is so Russian he sweats borsch. Not to be confused with Poutine, the Canadian dish, Putin has a stupefying mythology surrounding his life. The magnitude of his sketchy-ness, a KGB past, an unexplained throne of skulls, and his Knitting Skills have all contributed to an aura of charming mystique about him.
This animal-lover and environmentalist recently sparked international outrage after telling Ukraine to, “Go Crimea River.” Shortly after, White House secretaries confirm, he called “…his brother from another mother, Barack”, and announced that “East siiide is de best!” (In his best Ali-G voice) then proceeded to explain, very delicately, as is his way, that the G-8 summit is “pretty gay”, and therefore banned in his country.
He put down the phone, but neglected to put it on the receiver. Jay Carney reported overhearing a belligerent Putin berating a peasant. ПАСШЕМУ НЕТУ МОЕЙ ПОРТРЕТЕ В ETOM ШАЛАШЕ?!, ДАЖЕ ЛЕНИН ИМЕЛ МАЮ ПОРТРЕТ В ШАЛАШЕ!!”* This was followed by what is being described by RT as a ‘hunting accident/conspiracy’.
All this unpleasantness comes only a few months after a personal PR overhaul that included freeing “Pussy Riot”, and hosting the Olympics. Himself. Personally.
Putin is just one member of an odd series of guests “Wait Wait” is bringing on to generate hype. Recent guests include Amy Schumer, a comedian best known for her sketch comedy show “Inside Amy Schumer” and Terry Crews, famous for his roles in, “White Chicks” and “Old Spice” commercials. These guests are in sharp contrast to their usual line up which has included NASA Engineers, English Ambassadors, and the White House Chef.
*Translation: WHY DON’T YOU HAVE MY PORTRAIT IN YOUR HUT?! EVEN LENIN HAD MY PORTRAIT IN HIS HUT!!
*article written as part of THE SHALLOT, a satirical take on local and world events.