How To: Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

Candid photo of me, on a casual Thusday.

Last Thursday, I paid a visit to an archery range to train for the inevitable, impending, and obvious zombie apocalypse. Not that the bow and arrow is my particular weapon of choice, but accuracy, strength, and concentration are all skills that can be useful. Archery actually turned out more complex than I had anticipated. I walked in there thinking that I was the next Katniss Everdeen; casually overthrowing the government, and saving all twelve districts. You know, just like any other Thursday.

Yeah, no.

The average traditional bow comes in at 2 lbs., a typical crossbow at 7 to 8 lbs., and the average compound bow at about 4.5. Keep in mind, you have to hold this out, with a straight arm for an hour-long session, three shots at a time toward a target board. Once everyone has collected their stray arrows and returned to the spot between the designated line, they may shoot again.

According to zombie lore, the only method to kill an undead zombie is to destroy the brain or simply decapitate the ungodly being. That being said, it’s not very efficient to kill a zombie with arrows. My suggested method would be to round them up in an abandoned warehouse dosed in flammable liquids: gasoline, nail polish remover, even oranges… Then set off an alarm, and once they’ve swarmed the warehouse, send a single flaming arrow in the center of it all. But what do I know?

As for hunting purposes, a bow and arrow are probably your best bet. You could shoot from a distance and it doesn’t have the loud gunshot of…. Well, a gun.

THE SHALLOT

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